Hello, Old Friend

Gorbulas, only 1 day old, lay sleeping only 14 inches away. I was in bed, facing the darkened window, laying half on my side, half on my back, slightly curled. He slept in the cradle next to me because I couldn't reach him. I remember being in so much pain; such incredible pain. I couldn't move. I couldn't sleep. I just lay there in the dark with my eyes closed, tears dripping out of the corners of my eyes. Everything was so quiet, but I was fully alert.

The nurse comes in to check on me and inquires what's the matter.

"I'm just in so much pain," I say. "I can't move. The duramorph wore off and I'm just really hurting now."

"Oh honey," she replies, "Why didn't you ring the call button? We can give you something for the pain."

"Well, I couldn't reach it. It hurts too much to move. I guess I just sort of hole up in a dark cave when I'm in pain. I figured it would be over soon on my next med rotation. I'm not sure when I'm due for more pain meds."

"You're overdue, actually. Can I get you something?" she says.

"Yes, please."

Everyone deals with pain differently. But, that's how I deal with pain. I retreat into solitude, turn out the lights, curl up, cry a little, weather the storm and hope that this-too-shall-pass. I'm not a take the bull by the horns kind of gal. I give way too much latitude and eventually will address the problem. I suppose if she left me there long enough, I would have pushed through the pain to find the call button remote which had dropped to the floor, now dangling over the head of the bed.

I feel like since getting laid off in October that I've been in a dark cave. I have been crabby, bitter and half-empty. I'm easily angered and feel like there's no pain meds coming. No resolution from my prior company actually making good on the severance and back commissions they owe me, no help from the Obama camp with all these Hope for Homeowners programs that go unfulfilled and no help from our Congressmen.

But, in the darkness, the Lord has provided a bit of light. Probably just enough for me to see only what I really needed to see. He provided a very, very, very part-time job starting in the fall. I'll be teaching Computer Technology at my children's private school next year. I'll bring in just enough salary to cover one child's tuition for the year. I'll be teaching K-8th grade and 7 classes a week. I'll be home when my kids are home, only teaching two days a week, and I'll be teaching something I'm passionate about. It's truly a gift from the Lord. And, it's just enough. He knows what I need and what will bring contentment.

I'm starting to edge out of my funk. I've heard from the Labor Commissioner and my former company has been served with a Notice of Claim and must respond within 10 days or the Labor Commission will take the next step, which I believe is a court date. The claim is seeking several tens of thousands of dollars, which our family desperately needs. Unfortunately, we will be losing our home and need to plan for a rental sometime this year. It's likely, because we will have foreclosed, that our credit will be all shot to hell and landlords might be hesitant to lease to us. So, perhaps we can offer to pay 6 months upfront. Who knows... but I do know that we need the money (which is rightfully owed to me).

Aside from the financial upheaval, things are starting to brighten. The brightest part of this entire experience is that, thanks to my parents footing the bill (thank you Mom and Dad!), the kids have stayed at their school which we love so much. That was critically important to me. And, I've had the opportunity to be with my kids all year long. I've taken and picked them up from school each day, been a substitute teacher, brought them to dance class, violin class, swimming lessons, the library and hosted playdates. We've talked, we've laughed, we've painted birdhouses and we've spent priceless time together that I will never get back.

So, for that, I must thank my former employer. They've given the opportunity for the Lord to show me clarity in purpose.

Getting laid off still sucks, but it doesn't suck as BAD as I thought it would. We are still the same people that we were. If we claim bankruptcy, foreclose on our home, err, I mean "house", and have our cars repo'd, we will still be a family that laughs together, cries together and can thank God for whatever blessings he chooses to bestow.